Speaking From the Center: Empowerment Through the Adult Voice
There are moments when something deep inside us contracts when words exchanged in haste leave us feeling small, unheard, or somehow distant from our own truth. These are often not random moments, but echoes and reflections of inner voices shaped long ago. When we find ourselves repeating patterns in conflict, in silence, or in sudden emotional overwhelm, we may not be speaking from the Self at all, but from an older part of us. A child. A parent. A forgotten protector.
Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological framework developed by Eric Berne, offers a map for returning to the centered self. It teaches us how to discern which inner “voice” or ego state is speaking and how to choose the voice that serves truth, connection, and dignity.
Three Inner Figures: Parent, Child, and Adult
We carry within us a constellation of internal characters. In TA, these are known as ego states, a symbolic triad that mirrors the psychic structures we inherited, developed, and now animate through our everyday interactions:
The Parent is the internalized voice of early authority figures. It can appear as a stern rule-giver, a moral compass, or a caretaker who tries to protect. Yet when unexamined, it may also become critical, shaming, or controlling like a ghost repeating another's script.
The Child is the emotional, imaginal realm. It is the dreamer, the rebel, the vulnerable one who longs to be seen. This state holds the echoes of early needs and unmet desires, often arising as impulsivity, defiance, playfulness, or quiet longing.
The Adult, symbolically, is the inner mediator. It is the part of us that chooses consciousness. Grounded in the present, the Adult integrates past and future, thought and feeling, self and other. It holds the lantern of awareness, lighting the path forward with discernment and clarity (Berne, 1964; Stewart and Joines, 1987).
In Jungian language, we might say the Adult is aligned with the Self; it is not without emotion, but rather deeply in relationship with it. It is not without history, but it is no longer ruled by it.
The Moment of Choice: Awareness as Alchemy
When conflict arises or our emotions flare, we often slip into unconscious patterns. Perhaps our voice sharpens, and we hear our mother or father speaking through us. Or perhaps we withdraw, overwhelmed, and the inner child curls inward in fear. In these moments, we are caught in archetypal possession inhabited by an energy that may no longer serve us.
The invitation is not to judge ourselves, but to wake up gently. To pause. To name the state we are in. To breathe space into the script.
“What part of me is speaking right now?”
“What old story is being replayed?”
“Who might I become if I responded from my Adult?”
This small pause is a threshold. In Jungian terms, it is a moment of individuation where we step out of a collective pattern and into authentic presence (James and Jongeward, 1996).
Practices for Returning to the Adult State
If you sense that your words are coming from the critical Parent or the reactive Child, these gentle practices can help you shift into the Adult’s calm, observing posture:
Witness without judgment. When emotions rise, begin by noticing. Are you becoming defensive or blaming? Do you feel small or ashamed? Awareness is not control; it is compassionate presence.
Pause as ritual. Create a moment of stillness, even if brief. Place a hand on your body, breathe into your feet. Ask, “What do I truly need right now?”
Speak from the center. In your next response, imagine you are speaking from the calm lake within, not the storm on the surface. Let your words reflect the now, not the wound, not the fear.
Language as spellwork. Words shape reality. Replace accusations (“You never…”) with observations (“I noticed that…”). This neutral tone invokes Adult-to-Adult communication (Steiner, 1974).
See the soul in the other. When someone responds from their wounded Child or punitive Parent, resist the urge to match their energy. Imagine the story behind their reaction. Respond from your centered self, not your ancient scripts.
When Conversations Cross Paths
In TA, a crossed transaction occurs when you speak calmly from the Adult, but the other person replies with scorn or collapse. These are the moments where archetypes clash, where pain meets pain.
Instead of escalating, you can stay grounded in the Adult, name what you see with clarity, and hold the boundary with grace. You are not responsible for another’s state, but you are the guardian of your own (English, 1972).
What the Adult Brings: A Path of Sovereignty
The more we embody the Adult, the more we cultivate emotional sovereignty, not cold detachment, but warm discernment. Here’s what it offers:
Clear Boundaries: You learn to say "no" with kindness, not guilt.
Conflict as Dialogue: You face disagreement with open hands, not raised shields.
Self-Empowerment: You stop giving others the power to dictate your feelings. You become the author of your response.
Deeper Connection: When two Adults meet, true dialogue begins. No masks, no performance. Just presence.
In Jungian terms, this is the work of integration, bringing together the fragmented selves into one coherent, grounded wholeness.
A Final Word: Choosing the Voice of Wholeness
Every conversation is a small rite of passage. We enter it with the opportunity to repeat old roles—or to rewrite the script.
Transactional Analysis is not just a psychological tool. It is an act of inner remembrance. A way to return to the Self—not the wounded child, not the inherited voice of authority, but the clear-eyed witness who holds space for all parts and still chooses wisely.
When you speak from this place, you are not just communicating. You are healing.
References
Berne, E. (1964) Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. New York: Grove Press.
English, F. (1972) ‘The three faces of victim’, Transactional Analysis Journal, 2(1), pp. 22–25.
Harris, T. A. (1995) I’m OK – You’re OK: A Practical Guide to Transactional Analysis. London: Arrow Books.
James, M. and Jongeward, D. (1996) Born to Win: Transactional Analysis with Gestalt Experiments. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley.
Steiner, C. (1974) Scripts People Live: Transactional Analysis of Life Scripts. New York: Bantam.
Stewart, I. and Joines, V. (1987) TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis. Nottingham: Lifespace Publishing.